Leaving a job with no way to provide for your family is a completely unhinged thing to do, especially when you’re the sole breadwinner. But if you are unwell, it seems reasonable to you — the pressure, the fear, the overwhelming feelings and emotions. They sweep you away under the current of a desire for freedom from them, and so you run, and you disappear, and you disconnect, because you don’t want to be where you are, and that is the only way that you can free yourself.

It takes time, and sometimes life-shattering events, to open your eyes to the fact that you’ve been unwell for quite some time. It takes courage and bravery to seek out healing and repair. A lot of disorder happens in life, and that’s okay. What matters is the journey back to self — the true self, the awareness of who you are: your soul’s vibe, song, joy, peace, whimsy, growth, desire, and all that is supposed to be wrapped up in this beautiful experience we call being human.

The false self convinces us, that all of the circumstances that we are in, are so big they must be escaped, so we use vices, and we run away, and we project our fear and our pain onto other people — so much so that they begin to grow and grow and grow until we’ve got a little friend with us, a little angry friend with us, taking out their discontentment with their state of being on everything and everyone around them.

Again, you cannot expect an unwell person to know that they’re unwell, and you also cannot expect an unwell person to have the tools necessary to heal. So first it begins with awareness — who am I? Why am I here? Why am I unsettled? What did I miss? What am I missing? What didn’t I get that I actually, factually need — not desire — and then finding the courage to go for it, to pursue it with all your mind, notable full of disorder again, can be off-putting to say the least. It can knock you off your center. But if you give it grace — if you give yourself grace and time — your recovery, you’ll get better, and you’ll have a life that you never dreamed you could have.

Selah