As I sat in contemplation about the new year and what I want to accomplish. I was struck with the notion of doing nothing. Well, doing nothing more. What if I didn’t accomplish anything additional this year? What if all I accomplished was to maintain what I have and cope with any losses. 

Do I Need More?

This contemplation lead me to the question, is what I have enough? If we are referring to things, the answer is quickly Yes. In a Western, capitalists’ society there are so many shiny pretty things that I would like to have and indulge in for sure. Do I need them is a different question? So then how do I define a need? For me, a need is something that without it, I can not feed, shelter, and take care of the physical/mental health of myself and my children. I have all of those things that allow me to do this. I don’t have a lot or extra to me, because I am spoiled in society I live in. Compared to others in different areas of the world and circumstances, I likely have more than enough. 

So if I have everything I need why then am I always striving for more. Why do I have to consciously decide to bring my awareness to this subject? In my opinion, I have done what a lot of people do and tied my ability to acquire things to my estimation of my self-worth. The more I have, the better I am? The more I achieve, the better person I am. Are people who are financially less secure than me, less than me? Will I feel better, when I have everything that I want? In my experience, the answer is no. Self worth isn’t determined by anything outside of the self. During my healing journey my accomplishments did not bring me any additional solace or real joy. My fancy job only fed my ego, and when I lost it, I had to really sit with myself and detach from the meaning I had allowed it to have in my life. My luxury vehicle, only brought me temporary joy from having reached a goal. I did not gain anything sustainable by purchasing it, and it has proven to be more of a burden than a source of pleasure. I am not suggesting that it is wrong to have your needs met and a lot of your wants, I am only suggesting that you do not let it define you. Especially to the point where not having it or not being able to get more becomes a problem. The only reason, this came up for me in contemplation is because I was setting goals, and my mental health was suffering when I didn’t reach the goal. Or, I would reach the goal, ignore the achievement and look immediately to “What’s Next”. In Psychology, most of the diagnoses have a “is this a problem” component. Is this behavior causing you harm? In my case, the consistent pursuit of more was causing me harm.

Finding contentment in the Now which includes all that I have and all that I currently am, leads me to the question of what if something is taken away. Can I cope with the loss? Dealing with loss manifest itself as a feeling of suffering in me.

Suffering? 

To me suffering is relative to the person experiencing it. In other words, what I consider to be suffering may not meet your standards. That’s okay! For many perception of experience is their reality. My reality is that I consider not having my / or my families needs met as suffering. I consider dealing with the transition of someone I love from this world to the afterlife suffering. So how do I cope when it happens because it is a reality of life? The illusion of controlling this fact is in itself a point of suffering. The most powerful way I have learned to deal with loss is two part. The first part is accept that it is happening , that I can not stop it from happening, and that I will survive it. The second part is tell myself the truth about what is happening. By that I mean, I examine my emotions to see if they are rooted in truth. For example, if I can’t pay my rent one month does that mean I will never be able to? If my loved one leaves this earthly plain does that mean our relationship is no more? I can find another job if I lose one, I can find shelter until I can get my own place. My loved one is still with me in the memories I hold and the love I keep in my heart. Their presence will remain with me because experience cannot be erased, it stays with us. This isn’t to say that I don’t allow myself to be sad, because I definitely do, but when I practice acceptance and truth telling I can navigate my way out of the sadness.

Many of the spiritual traditions that I study and practice speak to suffering. What it means to endure and to suffer. These practices offer that acceptance of the un-comfortability of life, offers the opportunity for peace. The apostle Peter said “After you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you” (1 Peter 5:10) and Thich Nhat Hanh says “The seed of suffering in you may be strong, but don’t wait until you have no more suffering before allowing yourself to be happy.”

As I settled into 2023, I am finding contentment with what is. I hope that you can too.